Two Weeks

Well, Patty… It’s been two weeks since you left and I’m still swinging between anger (well, not really anger because you know how I am… but I do feel cheated), and denial (I keep checking my email just in case you might have internet access in Jamais Pays). A thousand times a day I think of stuff I want to tell you. Just random stupid shit that pops into my mind and I know no one else but you could appreciate.

I’ve gone thru my email archives now and then, choosing random ones and reading the whole thread, and smiling or laughing, or just remembering, and then crying a bit. I will miss reading about Mirry and Kitty, and Buckie and April, and the new character – Dana… and the other two who I wasn’t so sure I liked, but whom you promised I would. I want to see ‘Sandy’ published, but I didn’t save that one for some reason. I do have a bunch of your stories saved here, and plan to have them bronzed for posterity. I want God Don’t Stop to be published and recognized for great fiction.

I wonder if attending a funeral service would help with the closure? But since you didn’t have one, that isn’t an option. So how do I find closure? Do I need closure? I could just email you whenever the mood strikes… but it won’t be the same with your sometimes thoughtful, sometimes smartass replies.

I regret we never wrote the VVI cruise. I am pondering writing a funeral service… or more appropriately, a wake. I think you'd like a wake better. It will be in Thayer, and your alter-ego TJ will be the one laid to rest. I’m sure Mac will have some crudely worded but heartfelt things to say. I think Rachel will weep openly and be comforted by Deni. Trina will cry, too. Roni will try to hold back the tears, blinking them away. Dot will be stoic and supportive, lending her shoulder to those who need it. Margie will cope by feeding everyone and staying busy. If TJ was going to have a regular funeral, Jude, Deni, Roni, Zach, Mac and Ty would be the pall bearers, but Jemma intervened and stated that a memorial would be held in Texas and that TJ wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread (hey – where do you want your ashes spread?)… somewhere in Texas… so the Thayer crowd will have to do without the traditional burial and church basement reception, which TJ (and you) would have hated anyway. Tell TJ to keep an eye out for Aunt Bette – maybe they could have a reunion date in Jamais Pays and remember old times.

I think I will forever brainstorm to you because I know you’ll call ‘bullshit’ if ever I stray into predictable and lazy writing… and also because you’ll always correct my grammar.

I feel cheated, too, because I wanted so much for you to come visit us, to see Pullman, and share observations and spend a couple weeks talking about writing half the night. I feel cheated of your candor and clarity, your wit, your imagination…your friendship. You were a blessing to me and I don’t know that I told you that often enough. You lived out loud and encouraged me to, too. You challenged my safe way of thinking and showed me a different way to look at things. You gave me a safe place to argue, always arguing back but never getting in a snit and attacking me for not thinking like you.

Oh hey.. I just had an idea… I’ll talk to Sherry about programming you into VVI, and I can come visit you there. Maybe they’ll perfect the mobile Sim project and you’ll be able to come to Pullman after all…

I guess I better hit ‘send’ because my lunch break is over and I don’t want to cry at work.
Email when you have time.
Love,
Barb